What Defines Us, Confines Us
Define:
“to explain and describe the meaning and exact limits of something”
“I’d hate to feel that I was defined by (= that my life got its meaning and importance only from) my job”
Source: Cambridge Online dictionary.
So what defines you is what gives your life its meaning and its limits.
The “limits” part is very important.
Whatever defines you, confines you.
Common Definers that Confine You
What defines us?
- Fears
- Dreams
- Hopes
- Other strong emotions
- Accidents
- Happy incidents
- Idiosyncrasies
- Religion
- Education
We define ourselves with labels. I’m a baker. A programmer. An old man. A teenager. Runner. Vegan. Omnivore.
Already the labels of age, gender, profession, social class (though far less powerful these day) define us a lot. People try to act according to the limits set by these labels. When people tell us, “That doesn’t suit you — you are too old for that,” or “You are too young for that,” we may agree with them.
In this sense if you avoid labels (and for you age is just a number and nothing else) you are left free to do what you wish. Of course, the trick here to be aware. You can skateboard at 80 years of age but do know that you can end up with a cracked hip and that might be it. Make a conscious decision. Many limits are set by our beliefs not by the reality out there. How we see ourselves influences what we do or don’t do.
Active and Passive Defining
There can be an active and a passive defining. When you choose to give a donation to a cause because each of your friend dropped a coin in that box, you are following the herd. But when none of your friends donated to a cause (let’s say a gender based charity) and you did, you actively and consciously defined who you were. You did not absorb a behavior simply from your surroundings.
Things that define us
They can make us
Afraid or fearless
Coward or strong
And leave us thinking
We are either very beautiful
Or very ugly that they happened
To us.
Let’s choose carefully
Think wisely and ask ourselves
What we will let define us
And what we will choose to
Ignore.
What does Psychology say?
Here two ways to view this are: cognition (how we think about ourselves, our thoughts, beliefs) and our behaviors (what we do). Our definition of ourselves (and thus our self-esteem) comes from a lot of what happens to us. Most of that is simply mirroring the behaviors we observe in our environments.
What we choose to do is largely defined or more specifically confined by who we surround ourselves with. People around us expect us to behave like them.
We can challenge our thinking and thus our behaviors. James Clear — in his amazing book Atomic Habits — explains how environments (and people surrounding us) shape our behavior. We are defined by our habits, which are consistent with our environment. Thus it makes sense to think that people living in bigger cities live very different lifestyles than those living in smaller towns. Big-city dwellers are less likely to be attached to other people simply because people are moving in and out of big cities and things are happening so far.
Geography is fate. At least it can be,
Think about the place you grew up in.
How little we know about what defines us
So let us wonder the next time we do something
How much of that comes from an active decision
And how much of that just happens.
Think again and let’s make a choice.
